So.

An entry I've been thinking about for months, half dreading it because actually typing it out an posting it seems to make it more real.

For four and a half years, I haven't been apart from Abe for more than two weeks at a time. When we were at the apartment, I saw him every day, slept with him every night, and basically almost never had a time when I couldn't reach out and hold his hand just because I wanted to.

Now he's in college. I couldn't be prouder. But now I've realized that I have to build a life that's almost completely separate from his, just as he is doing up there. I have to fill up the time we used to spend together with something else, find something else to distract me from the fact that he's not here.

I don't even know where to begin. I am dead serious when I say that Abe is the only friend I made in college. I know others through him, but don't ever see them when he's not here. I don't know how to talk with people I don't know, I don't know how to make friends, I don't even know how to start a conversation with the person next to me in class that lasts for more than five minutes. Because they never go on longer than that, no matter how much I rack my brains for something, anything to say.

This is not to say that I'm not still trying, or that I've given up hope of improving. I went to Hang Out today, which is basically a gay and lesbian group that has a picnic every Friday. It was okay. They were nice, though I didn't have much to add to the conversation. (Seriously, I'm not going to give my opinion of dildos and cunnilingus the first time I meet them. Other than watching a girl give a 'how to put on a condom' demonstration, that was the conversation.)

Fuck. You'd think after getting through being suicidal, this would be easy. Oh well. What doesn't kill me will slowly suck my strength.... I mean make me stronger. ^_^ I ain't that emo anymore.