youkoricky (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} youkoricky) wrote,@ 2006-09-23 00:55:00 |
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So.
An entry I've been thinking about for months, half dreading it because actually typing it out an posting it seems to make it more real.
For four and a half years, I haven't been apart from Abe for more than two weeks at a time. When we were at the apartment, I saw him every day, slept with him every night, and basically almost never had a time when I couldn't reach out and hold his hand just because I wanted to.
Now he's in college. I couldn't be prouder. But now I've realized that I have to build a life that's almost completely separate from his, just as he is doing up there. I have to fill up the time we used to spend together with something else, find something else to distract me from the fact that he's not here.
I don't even know where to begin. I am dead serious when I say that Abe is the only friend I made in college. I know others through him, but don't ever see them when he's not here. I don't know how to talk with people I don't know, I don't know how to make friends, I don't even know how to start a conversation with the person next to me in class that lasts for more than five minutes. Because they never go on longer than that, no matter how much I rack my brains for something, anything to say.
This is not to say that I'm not still trying, or that I've given up hope of improving. I went to Hang Out today, which is basically a gay and lesbian group that has a picnic every Friday. It was okay. They were nice, though I didn't have much to add to the conversation. (Seriously, I'm not going to give my opinion of dildos and cunnilingus the first time I meet them. Other than watching a girl give a 'how to put on a condom' demonstration, that was the conversation.)
Fuck. You'd think after getting through being suicidal, this would be easy. Oh well. What doesn't kill me will slowly suck my strength.... I mean make me stronger. ^_^ I ain't that emo anymore.
An entry I've been thinking about for months, half dreading it because actually typing it out an posting it seems to make it more real.
For four and a half years, I haven't been apart from Abe for more than two weeks at a time. When we were at the apartment, I saw him every day, slept with him every night, and basically almost never had a time when I couldn't reach out and hold his hand just because I wanted to.
Now he's in college. I couldn't be prouder. But now I've realized that I have to build a life that's almost completely separate from his, just as he is doing up there. I have to fill up the time we used to spend together with something else, find something else to distract me from the fact that he's not here.
I don't even know where to begin. I am dead serious when I say that Abe is the only friend I made in college. I know others through him, but don't ever see them when he's not here. I don't know how to talk with people I don't know, I don't know how to make friends, I don't even know how to start a conversation with the person next to me in class that lasts for more than five minutes. Because they never go on longer than that, no matter how much I rack my brains for something, anything to say.
This is not to say that I'm not still trying, or that I've given up hope of improving. I went to Hang Out today, which is basically a gay and lesbian group that has a picnic every Friday. It was okay. They were nice, though I didn't have much to add to the conversation. (Seriously, I'm not going to give my opinion of dildos and cunnilingus the first time I meet them. Other than watching a girl give a 'how to put on a condom' demonstration, that was the conversation.)
Fuck. You'd think after getting through being suicidal, this would be easy. Oh well. What doesn't kill me will slowly suck my strength.... I mean make me stronger. ^_^ I ain't that emo anymore.
