I actually have a bunch of pics from this evening, but my scanner is sucking, so it's a no-go for now :(.

( Slightly older art stuff ^^ )

I couldn't resist this one however. This is quite possibly the coolest Venom vid I have ever seen and at least top 3 of any char ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cT45CAxp25Q&eurl

Enjoy ^_^

So I went out with some friends and we got the 12 breakfast tacos for 10 bucks deal at taco C. The bacon was a little undercooked though it was a variety pack so who knows which one it was.

Long story short I don't get to run this morning cause I spent all night exploding from both ends. @____@

Its starting to clear up a bit now but holycrap did last night suck.

So I've done a few pages of character studies for a project I'm working on but everything feels a bit stiff and I can't find a pose I like. I think I might take a break tomarrow and try and do something scary... environmental drawings @____@. I have NEVER been able to pull backgrounds and stuff off well but I gotta keep myself on my toes and not get into the same old ruts. Think I might try and draw one of the rooms of my house and try and add a figure. WISH ME LUCK!

In other news: ART PARTY FRIDAY /DANCE!!
I must prepare!

So which of you guys would like to get a fishing trip together?

One of my favorite frames from Dorohedero manga!
May change it though cause its not as clear as I had hoped

I LOVE YOU STEIN <3 <3 <3

http://www.onemanga.com/Soul_Eater/40/07/

Whilst moving my pics off of my dad's camera, I found these pics of our dog, Honey, hanging out with the neighbor dogs.

( Dog party :D )

Welp things are pretty finalized now. I'm moving back in with the rents for probably a year or two. I thought living with alex for a while would work out and he has def gone the extra mile to try and help me... but I just don't feel at home. I have this continued nagging sensation that this is not where I belong and it causes me to be unable to relax. I don't want to fear the times where I am not out doing stuff, like I do now. Home with Alex often feels more like a prison of my own mind and not a sanctuary to relax after a long day.

Some things will be alot harder... me and Barry's relationship for one thing... but I am a different person from when I left this house last. I have purged myself of many of my vices that would have made this impossible years ago. But at least I have a history there, a sense of belonging, a bed and not the floor to sleep on (and cable TV >.>).

I also see this as a chance to reconnect with my family that I have gotten so far from these last few years.

I do plan to get my own place once I am more financially on my feet but for now at least I am surrounded by people that I love in a place I still feel I can call *home* and not just the place where I am staying.

Just a heads up that I have a handful of new pics up in my devArt gallery. It's all commissions from A-kon, and hopefully I'll have a scrap-type update of the stuff I did while on vacation pretty soon. But first I need to clean/organize and read papers >_>;;.

My stupid iguana keeps being a brat. I was trying to get his bath ready and he kept running off to the far corners of the apartment. Methinks I'm getting an taste of what raising kids would be like...and Ori can't scream "no" even >_>;;.

So I've been doing a bit of reading on Buddhism and while I'm sure there's much I am not understanding, there's a few things that really bug me about it.

I'll start with nirvana/enlightenment etc..
I think that emotion, pain, love, worldly attachment, etc... is a very important part of being human. Pain is a part of life and seeking to remove that from your life at the cost of all happiness as well as sadness makes me very uncomfortable.

I guess also I don't understand why one would seek permanent spiritual death just so you don't have to feel pain anymore. While with reincarnation you don't retain your memories or sense of self only your kharmic debt as it were, I don't understand why the entire point of a Buddhist life is to stop reincarnating. It just seems cowardly to me to spend your entire life trying to achieve a complete detachment from everything that makes you human, for the reason I understand being to avoid pain(samasara is more than just pain really but I'm simplifying).

From wikipedia
"Sentient beings crave pleasure and are averse to pain from birth to death. In being controlled by these attitudes, they perpetuate the cycle of conditioned existence and suffering (Samsara), and produce the causes and conditions of the next rebirth after death. Each rebirth repeats this process in an involuntary cycle, which Buddhists strive to end by eradicating these causes and conditions, applying the methods laid out by the Buddha."

I agree on the sources of human pain, I don't agree on the solution I suppose. I may be misunderstanding the relationship however but the idea of nothingness really kinda bothers me.

I also don't agree with the separation of human and animal, I think we are just a human animal that's too smart for our own good.

Why would you not want to seek the exact opposite of nirvana to be fulfilled and instead learn to embrace all the pain hardship joy love happiness and everything as part of life. This is what I thought Buddhism was before, a way to love and accept all aspects of life. Instead they just want to throw all that away and attain absolute spiritual death.

...I really don't understand.

I'm back~. I had a lot of fun with my mom and aunt and the people we visited (and after spending time in Amish country, even my church seems less dysfunctional*). Part of me would be happy to stay on the road for an indeterminant amount of time, but my iguana would probably plan a coup, my roommate would wonder, and my adviser might start to ask questions _o_.

Kinda speaking of, one of my profs from last semester asked me to be his TA for fall. Huh? I don't get it. I didn't do exceptionally well in his class, and he doesn't know that I know Java. Why is he asking me? I feel like this is a positive thing, but I have a hard time believing positive things relate to me and my place in the program ^^;;.

* Before you get all offended, remember that it's totally okay -- it's not like any of them are going to read this...

So I realized today, I have no fucking clue who I am anymore.
I feel like I'm in freefall with hundreds of half explored cassette tapes of my interests pulled out in a tangled mess slowing my fall.

I feel like a jack of all trades and a bad one at that. I have all these half explored interests that I set the bar too high for myself on and of course become frustrated when I can't meet my standards. I can do alot of things just well enough to get by and end up feeling like im good at nothing.

I have abandoned so many things I have no fucking clue what I even enjoy anymore. Talking with Abe today I realized I don't even have a "style" anymore. I want to have a unique self image.(artists are supposed to dress cool right?!) I bore myself. I have so fully lost touch with myself that I don't know whats worth throwing all of myself at. I can't even think of anything new to throw into my pile of incomplete skills much less pick one from the pile and master it.

OK, maybe thats a lie, there is one thing. Drawing/Painting/Blahblahblah
This is something I want to "Eat Bitter" with to quote the chinese.
I greatly fear my fathers shadow with this however

Outside of this though its all such a tangled mess, so much so I am even questioning this major I have been lazily pulling myself through for 4+ years of 2year degree.

I don't even know what kind of music I like anymore and it fucking scares me.

Its no wonder I don't try very hard, I don't even know what I'm fighting for.
Its no wonder I feel like I have nothing to talk about when I don't even know what I like.

With the eminent return of sharkyopterix I would like to propose we get together another art party. Message me here or email or call me or something and lets setup a day. :)

So I finished my book this morning and I am more than a little depressed to be done with it. I haven't so thoroughly enjoyed a book in years(not that I read enough anyway).
Anyhoo American Shaolin by Matthew Polly is I think one of my top 5 books of all time atm.

Off I go for now as the call of my morning run is nigh!